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> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"
> which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
> correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then
> pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
> said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
> maintenance complaints submitted Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and
> the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance
engineers.
>
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
> P: Autopilot in altitude- hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
> S: That's what they're for.
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> P: Suspected crack in windshield
> S: Suspect you're right.
> P: No. 3 engine is missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
> And the best on for last................................
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.
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