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Cyclone Season!
We're about to enter the cyclone season. Any day now, you're going to
turn on he TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out
in the Arafura Sea and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, cyclone season is an exciting time to be in Darwin. If you're new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step cyclone
preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Adelaide and remain there until Easter.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Darwin.
We'll start with one of the most important cyclone preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have cyclone insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Adelaide.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Darwin, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a cyclone, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you cyclone insurance, because then they might be
required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium
roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment,
this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Cyclone Tracey,
I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This
week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have cyclone shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major cyclone -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
Get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be May.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
And will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Cyclone-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in cyclone
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
cyclone winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Adelaide.
Cyclone Proofing your property:
As the cyclone approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
(if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the cyclone winds will turn these objects into
deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license; if it says "Darwin," you live in a low-lying
area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with all the
other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
CYCLONE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Darwin tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a cyclone, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the crocodiles. (Ask
anybody who went through Tracey; after the cyclone, there WILL be irate
crocodiles.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the cyclone passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the cyclone draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
turn on he TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out
in the Arafura Sea and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, cyclone season is an exciting time to be in Darwin. If you're new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step cyclone
preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Adelaide and remain there until Easter.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Darwin.
We'll start with one of the most important cyclone preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have cyclone insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Adelaide.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Darwin, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a cyclone, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you cyclone insurance, because then they might be
required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium
roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment,
this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Cyclone Tracey,
I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This
week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have cyclone shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major cyclone -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
Get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be May.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
And will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Cyclone-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in cyclone
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
cyclone winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Adelaide.
Cyclone Proofing your property:
As the cyclone approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
(if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the cyclone winds will turn these objects into
deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license; if it says "Darwin," you live in a low-lying
area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with all the
other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
CYCLONE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Darwin tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a cyclone, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the crocodiles. (Ask
anybody who went through Tracey; after the cyclone, there WILL be irate
crocodiles.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the cyclone passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the cyclone draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
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