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Cyclone Season!

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  • Cyclone Season!

    We're about to enter the cyclone season. Any day now, you're going to
    turn on he TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out
    in the Arafura Sea and making two basic meteorological points:

    (1) There is no need to panic.
    (2) We could all be killed.

    Yes, cyclone season is an exciting time to be in Darwin. If you're new
    to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
    for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
    experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step cyclone
    preparedness plan:

    STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
    least three days.

    STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

    STEP 3: Drive to Adelaide and remain there until Easter.

    Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
    sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Darwin.

    We'll start with one of the most important cyclone preparedness items:


    If you own a home, you must have cyclone insurance. Fortunately, this
    insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic

    (1) It is reasonably well-built, and

    (2) It is located in Adelaide.

    Unfortunately, if your home is located in Darwin, or any other area that
    might actually be hit by a cyclone, most insurance companies would
    prefer not to sell you cyclone insurance, because then they might be
    required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
    the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
    around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium
    roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment,
    this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Cyclone Tracey,
    I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This
    week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
    policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
    are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.


    Your house should have cyclone shutters on all the windows, all the
    doors, and -- if it's a major cyclone -- all the toilets. There are
    several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
    they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
    they will fall off.

    Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
    Get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
    hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be May.

    Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
    And will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
    will have to sell your house to pay for them.

    Cyclone-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in cyclone
    protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
    cyclone winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
    lives in Adelaide.

    Cyclone Proofing your property:

    As the cyclone approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
    barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...
    You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
    (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
    immediately). Otherwise, the cyclone winds will turn these objects into
    deadly missiles.


    If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
    planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
    your driver's license; if it says "Darwin," you live in a low-lying

    The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
    your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
    gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with all the
    other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.


    If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
    now! Darwin tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
    minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
    strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
    water, you will need the following supplies:

    1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
    the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

    2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
    the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)

    3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

    4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
    a cyclone, but it looks cool.)

    5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the crocodiles. (Ask
    anybody who went through Tracey; after the cyclone, there WILL be irate

    6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the cyclone passes, you
    can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

    Of course these are just basic precautions. As the cyclone draws near,
    it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
    turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
    stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
    important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

    Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

  • #2
    thats a well throught out story.


    • #3
      I liked it

      LOL I just noticed your sig Kurt hahahahahaha


      • #4
        1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
        the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.


        good morning read


        • #5
          I love the cyclone season


          • #6
            Well done. Maybe Harb should render this as a graphic guide.


            • #7
              Bahaha, that was awesome OD


              • #8
                That is god damned hilarious

                now... who wrote it


                • #9
                  Great read there OD!

                  Think i'll pass it along to my Dad. He's worked for the Met up there for 15 years trying to educate ppl about cyclones and appropriate preparation each season.
                  He will most certainly appreciate your advice (not to mention the humour of course!)


                  • #10
                    bump for awesome.


                    • #11
                      7 year necro. Nice.


                      • #12
                        It's still relevant! I email this to everyone at work every couple years.


                        • #13
                          Well worth a bump thanks harb...