A Marine Deserter was running down a road escaping from two MPs (Military Police). He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood.
The deserter said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
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A blonde bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the
speakers.
The blond drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she
said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him. "ASSHOLES!" she yelled.......
.....Then the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie Chicks, began to play
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The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my
girlafriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa
6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze
love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick
zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed
in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished rootin me
sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on
the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the fuckin roof"
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Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that
by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men
were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed
that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.