Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." - A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." - Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

These are actual questions taken from the Sydney Olympic web site:

Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do
the plants grow? (UK)
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who
themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
(Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)

Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid
driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in
Sydney.....)

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

(Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a
year and a half ago to get there in time for this October...)

Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?(Sweden)
(And accomplish what?)

It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a
stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
(I'm not touching this one...)

My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her
in? (South Africa)
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)

Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane,
Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)

Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
(No. Everybody stinks.)

Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
(Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national
parks...)

Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
(This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...)

Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller
than the male population? (Italy)
(Yes. Gay nightclubs.)

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
(Yes. At Christmas.)

Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
(Another blonde?)

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake
serum. (USA)
(I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia)

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
(Face North and you should be about right)

Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and
Australia.)

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
(Yes. Outdoors.)

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while
I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

Quote from Sly_Fox:

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey

this is the best 1..

[Image: http://www.kwrecords.com.au/chuck.jpg]

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

"I don't like threats, I don't like bullies, and I don't like you!" -- Cpt. Janeway

"Stop smirking." -- Dax
"I do not smirk--but if I did, this would be a good opportunity." -- Worf

"Just be careful." -- Sisko
"Commander, there is no careful way to question a Klingon." -- Odo

"Resistance is futile. You will disarm your weapons, and escort us to Sector 001. If you attempt to intervene, we will destroy you." -- Locutus of Borg

Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam --General Martok

The art of misquoting

Quote from Mephiston:
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

mmmm defence weekly

Cmon someone rustle up those Dan Quayle quotes...:)

Frigin hilarious :)

Who's Dan Quayle never heard of the name must be casue i am young not like you old fokes

Still searching for Quayle quotes.... in the meantime:

Phrases for use at work and home....

1. How about never? Is never good for you?

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. No, my powers can only be used for good.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Quote from Charybdis:

3. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

i just got a couple of new life mottos

COMPUTER SAYINGS
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Dan Quayle was vice-pres of the states for a while, how such a clueless human being got there still mystify's me :)
Still looking for his quotes :)

This would have to be one of my favourite quotes :)

"Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if pacman affected us as kids,
we'd all run around in a darkened room munching pills and listening to
repetitive music."

LOL and here, quotes from God given a taliban twist :)

Dancing in Taliban Blood: God's 10 Secrets for the Perfect War!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In this age of the secularization (Satanization) of society, America's 21st
century soldiers may not know how God wants them to behave while fighting our
enemies. The following are the 10 most prominent Biblical tips for waging a
Godly war in the Middle East.

10.AFTER CONQUERING A CITY, IF YOU FIND A DECENT LOOKING WOMAN UNDER ONE OF
THOSE BEE KEEPER OUTFITS, MAKE HER YOUR SLAVE.

"And when the Lord thy God hath delivered [a city] into thine hands, thou shalt
smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women, and the
little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil
thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself" (Deuteronomy 20:13-14).
"And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they
slew all the males. . . . And the children of Israel took all the women of
Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle,
and all their flocks, and all their goods" (Numbers 31:7-9).

9.THOUGH INCONVENIENT, WHEN KILLING THE PEOPLE, BE SURE TO NOT TO HURT THEIR
TREES ('CAUSE THAT WOULD BE WASTEFUL).

"When thou shalt besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take
it, thou shalt not destroy the trees thereof by forcing an axe against them: for
thou mayeth eat of them, and thou shalt not cut them down (for the tree of the
field is man's life) to employ them in the siege" (Deuteronomy 20:19).

8.DON'T STOP WITH KILLING THEIR SOLDIERS. RUB IT IN. DIP YOUR FEET IN THEIR
BLOOD AND LET YOUR DOGS DRINK IT.

"But God shall wound the head of his enemies, and the hairy scalp of such an one
as goeth on still in his trespasses. The Lord said, I will bring again from
Bashan, I will bring my people again from the depths of the sea: That thy foot
may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the
same" (Psalms 68:21-23).

7.DON'T ANONYMOUSLY KILL BIN LADEN AND OMAR IN A BOMBING RAID. AFTER KILLING
THEIR FOLLOWERS, PUBLICLY HANG THEM FOR ALL TO SEE.

"For Joshua drew not his hand back, wherewith he stretched out the spear, until
he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai. . . . And Joshua burnt Ai,
and made it an heap for ever, even a desolation unto this day. And the king of
Ai he hanged on a tree until eventide" (Joshua 8:26-29).

6.GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE. CUT OFF THEIR HANDS AND FEET BEFORE
HANGING THEM.

"And David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands
and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron" (2 Samuel 4:12).

5.NEVER NEGOTIATE WITH THE ENEMY. KILL THEM, SHOWING NO MERCY AT ALL.

"And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite
them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew
mercy unto them" (Deuteronomy 7:2).

4.DON'T BE A SISSY. HAVE NO COMPASSION FOR THESE NON-BELIEVERS. KILL THEM
WHILE THEY'RE PRAYING IN CHURCH. KILL YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE, AND EVEN THOSE TOO
FEEBLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES.

"But they mocked the messengers of God, and despised his words, and misused his
prophets, until the wrath of the Lord arose against his people, till there was
no remedy. Therefore he brought upon them the king of the Chaldees, who slew
their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no
compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he
gave them all into his hand" (2 Chronicles 36:16-17).

3.DON'T JUST KILL THE HEATHENS. STEAL THEIR PROPERTY AND GIVE IT TO THE
SOUTHERN BAPTIST CONVENTION.

"And they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein: only the silver,
and the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron, they put into the treasury
of the house of the Lord"(Joshua 6:24).

2.DON'T WASTE MONEY ON P.O.W. CAMPS. THROW YOUR CAPTIVES OFF A CLIFF.

"And Amaziah said to the man of God, But what shall we do for the hundred
talents which I have given to the army of Israel? And the man of God answered,
The Lord is able to give thee much more than this. . . . And Amaziah
strengthened himself . . . and smote the children of Seir ten thousand. And
other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and
brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the
rock, that they all were broken in pieces" (2 Chronicles 25:9-12).

1.JUST REMEMBER THIS SIMPLE RULE: KILL EVERYTHING THAT BREATHES AND DESTROY
EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

"But of the cities of these people, which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an
inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth" (Deuteronomy 20:16).
"Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city [of nonbelievers] with the
edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the
cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword" (1 Samuel 13:15).

"And that day Joshua took Makkedah, and smote it with the edge of the sword, and
the king thereof he utterly destroyed, them, and all the souls that were
therein; he let none remain: and he did to the king of Makkedah as he did unto
the king of Jerico. Then Joshua passed from Makkedah, and all Israel with him,
unto Libnah, and fought against Libnah: And the Lord delivered it also, and the
king thereof, into the hand of Israel: and he smote it with the edge of the
sword, and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain in it" (Joshua
10:29-30).

Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them
not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and
ass" (1 Samuel 15:3).

Soz guys just going through a few thousand saved emails :)

This is a collection of quotes I have (mostly intended to use as email signatures). Some are funny, some are just anti-MS.

BTW. Anybody know of a good program to automatically produce a random .sig from a list (for use with KMail)

"Computers are like air-conditioners, they stop working once you open windows"

"'Open Systems' means no fences. And no fences means no use for Gates." - Sun Microsystem

"taking advice on what the GPL means from Microsoft is like taking Stalin's word on the meaning of the US Constitution." - Eben Moglen

Linux...
"Find out what you've been missing while you've been rebooting Windows NT." -Infoworld

"Software is like sex: It's better when it's free." - Linus Torvalds

"I am using Linux every day to up my productivity - so up yours!" - Joe Sloan

"If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed.... Oh, wait, he does!" - Gary Oliver

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to using Windows NT for mission-critical applications." - Devin L. Ganger

"One World, one web, one program" - Microsoft Promo ad.
"Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler

"Security-wise, NT is a server with a "Kick me" sign taped to it." - Carl Jacobs

"Windows NT was designed to be administered by an idiot and usually is..." - Chris Adams

"Bill Gates is a monocle and a white fluffy cat from being a villain in the next Bond film." - Dennis Miller

"Microsoft is a cross between the Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately, they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming." - Simon Slavin

"Windows has detected that a gnat has farted near your computer. Press any key to reboot." - Simon Oke

"Windows 95, the most installed system in the world, I know, I've done it 5 or 6 times myself." - Ken C

"Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition." - Merri Martin

"Q: What's the difference between MicroSoft Windows and a virus?"
"A: Apart from the fact that virusses are supported by their authors, use optimized, small code and usually perform well, none." - Rogier Wolff

"... Difference between a virus & windows? Viruses never fail." - Ted Sone

"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something" - Nowhere Man

"Supporting Windows is like buying a puppy. The dog only cost "00, but we spent another $500 cleaning the carpet." - Marc Dodge

"Why Windows '95 is code named "Chicago": "Capone" Gates: You pay him, but alas... You still get no protection." - Mark Steiger

"HAL 9000: 'Dave, put those Windows disks down...Dave...DAVE!'" Eric Berggren

"MS-DOS is to computing as the black plague was to Europe" - NH

"The only reason Gates is still alive is because Ted Kaczynski wasn't ever forced to use Microsoft products." - Christopher Lott

"Confucius say: He who play in root, eventually kill tree." - David

"Unix is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity." - Dennis Ritchie

"UNIX was not designed to stop its users from doing stupid things, as that would also stop them from doing clever things." - Doug Gwyn

"Unix is user-friendly.It just isn't promiscuous about which users it's friendly with." - Steven King

"Windows - Where do you want to go today?
MacOS - Where do you want to be tomorrow?
Linux - Are you coming, or what?" - Allen Brown

Hint to the Mac user:
"When talking to a Windows user, be sure to always adopt a condescending tone. If you have trouble with this, ask a Unix user" - Bill Butler

"No lusers were harmed in the making of this .sig. I will try harder next time, I promise." - Tom Christiansen

"C is not a big language, and it's not well served by a big book." - Brian W. Kernighan and Dennis M. Ritchie

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." - Hepler, Systems Design 182

"There is no such thing as sleep deprivation, only caffeine deficiency." - Simmons

"The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get write permission" - Charlie Stross

"Never EVER mess with a jumper you don't know about, even if it's labeled 'sex and free beer'." - Dave Haynie, Amiga developer

"As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error." - Weisert

"System Administators -- Postal workers of the computer industry" - Ricky

"Hit any user to continue." - Wayne

"Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked." - Doug Sewell

"Programmer, n.: A device that converts caffiene into code"

"Do not expose your LaserWriter to naked flame..." - Apple LaserWriter Manual

"Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger." - J.R.R Tolkien

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer."

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

"This email printed using 100% recycled electrons."

"If any girl rejects you, don't you doubt it's part of the .plan" - Deborah Gibson

"I had a letter in the post today. It said 'Gas Bill'. It sounds a tempting offer" - Alan Cox

"Premature optimzation is the root of all evil.." - Donald E. Knuth

"One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful
termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"Well you know, C isn't that hard, void (*(*f[])())() for instance declares f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void... I think" - Sigurdur Asgeirsson

"The locus of computing has clearly moved from the useful manipulation of information to the painting of icons and the tracking of mouse balls." - Stan Kelly-Bootle

"It's reported that Canter & Siegel search for and archive all articles that contain their names or "Green Card". This .sig is to help them." - Henry Wertz

"The sort of person who uses phrases like `incompletely socialized' usually thinks hackers are. Hackers regard such people with contempt when they notice them at all." - Matt Sottile

"In short, just as the Multics mentality of careful access controls shows up throughout Unix, the cretinous CP/M mentality of uncontrolled havoc shows up in DOS and all its mutant children." - Tom Christiansen

"People who think MSDOS & Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating 'This mind intentionally left blank';^}" - Ronn F Black

"They're just using religion as an excuse to be really crappy to each other." - Dave Lister, Red Dwarf

"What makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals." - Arnold Rimmer, Red Dwarf

"How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?" - Nigel Rees

Life is the living you do; death is the living you don't.

Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.

Military Rule #26: When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant, yet the population is growing.

"My teen angst bullshit now has a body count." - Heathers

"Normal is just a setting on your dryer." - Patsy Clairmont

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." - Shakespeare

"One is very crazy when in love." - Sigmund Freud

People are not property and kisses are not contracts.

Psychiatrists say that mental illness affects one out of four people. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

"Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney." - Lisa Simpson

The world is a cat toy.

"They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it." - Calvin

"You can do better than that. Fracture, shatter, pulverize and atomize it. Don't kid around." - Ari Rapkin

Other quotes

"DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use wordwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." --- New York Times, November 26, 1991

[An interesting little factoid, making the rounds. 15 July 1997]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The choral background music for the recent Microsoft Internet Explorer TV ads is the Confutatis Maledictis from Mozart's Requiem (Mass for the dead). The words of the final blast of music that accompanies "Where do you want to go today?" are "confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis..." which means "the damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell." Presumably this answers that question once and for all.

Sysadmin Barbie! Complete with tiny pager, Leatherman, selection of LARTs, and makeup kit for that haven't-slept-in-3-days look.

#include<campfire.h>
for(beer=100;beer>1;beer++){
take_one_down();
pass_it_around();
}
back_to_work(); /*never reached */

I've just gone through 2 years of Humerous e-mail, and can't find the Quayle Quotes *sigh*...but here's some fun and happiness from the Tech-support desk:

User tips from tech support!!

1-Don't write anything down. We can guess what the error message might have been.

2-When we say a tech says he is coming right over, go for coffee. It's no problem to try and guess your screen saver password.

3-When you call us to have your computer moved or repaired, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, post-it notes and small plastic toys from chocolate eggs. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply Moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

4-When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5-When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right up and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

6-When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.

7-Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8-When you call a techie's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the managing director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

9-When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

10-When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a techies desk with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

11-When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

12-When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

13-When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

14-When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper or doodle aimlessly. We don't actually mean for you to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

15-When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.

16-When we offer training on the upcoming operating system upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

17-When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job 10 or 15 times to all the printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work.

18-Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

19-Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

20-If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime money.

21-When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

22-Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

23-When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

24-When a tech finds the porno pictures in your Recycle Bin, tell her you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell a thing if it kicked us in the face.

25-If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

26-If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a kilo of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

27-Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

28-When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a Professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

29-When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know a thing about the problem.

30-When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

31-Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

32-When a tech gets on the elevator pushing "5,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

33-When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don't do much on weekends.

34-Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.

35-The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.

36-If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Guard screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Guard. Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't use them, that's all.

37-We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

Quote from CoCoBuckeTs:
Dan Quayle was vice-pres of the states for a while, how such a clueless human being got there still mystify's me :)
Still looking for his quotes :)

but dude it's the states
bush is trying so dam hard to look smarter than quayle
but his got such a long way to go

Quote from Aravi:
BTW. Anybody know of a good program to automatically produce a random .sig from a list (for use with KMail)

At the moment i'm using this.

Quote from Charybdis:
12-When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

True true. :P

Locutus, I'm talking about text sigs for email.

BEST HEADLINES OF YEAR (yes, they are real)...

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

23. War Dims Hope For Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

I like this one a friend made it up

Congrats you just got yourself banned

I don't find that funny at all.

Quote from Aravi:

BTW. Anybody know of a good program to automatically produce a random .sig from a list (for use with KMail)

[code:1:57e802f83c]
#!/usr/bin/perl

$file = "/home/paladin/random.txt";
open(QUOTES, $file);

Exec: {
read QUOTES, $data, (stat($file))[7];
@data = split(/\n/, $data);
print "$data[rand ($#data + 1)]\n";
}

[/code:1:57e802f83c]

random.txt is your newline delimited file of quotes.

(n/b: thoroughly untested on anything other than a text file containing 5 lines. mileage may vary, may die on large files. shouldn't cause any permanent damage. shouldn't.)

Charybdis: They'd all be NT News headlines? ;)