Your best "thats horrible" jokes

quite simply, im looking for jokes that make people go "thats horrible" or pull amusing faces of disbelief. stop reading here if you have a baby or are goin to have one, cause these r sum nasty ones.

no, seriously, if u are easily offended i wouldnt keep reading, now that ive givin this 2 warnings im happy

Q : Whats the worst thing a blind, deaf baby can get for Christmas ?
A : Cancer
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Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off its head.
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Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.
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Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.

Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.
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Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!
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Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.
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Q: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
A: Blender

Q: How do you get them out again?
A: Doritos
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Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.

Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.
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Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck
load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.
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Q: What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100KMH?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.
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Q: What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
A: Getting it out of the tires.
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Q: What's small, red, and can't turn around in corridors?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.

Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through it's head.

Q: What's small, red and can't get into elevators?
A: A baby with a javelin in it's head.
------------------------------------------------
Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.
------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little
baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at
you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.
------------------------------------------------
Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
A: Tying them to your tires and skidding.
------------------------------------------------
Q: What is 18" long, cold and stiff, and makes a woman scream in the morning?
A: Crib death.
------------------------------------------------
Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?
A: 10 minutes in the microwave

now dont tell me im disgusting, i just love telling these jokes for the look on peoples faces.

o yeah, before sumone goes nutz at me saying i copied these jokes from http://www.laughnet.net/archive/jokes/deadbaby.htm i did, i selecetd my favourites, its got all of them and more at that link.

:shock: Ummm... 'k......, mildly disturbed :?

i stand up saying i dont like this post and i think it should be removed.

im not offended by the jokes, but c'mon, they are just not nice. there is no point to them... dont like it.

ps... yes i know there were warnings, but im a mature adult, just voicing my opinion.

meh who cares

although I've seen threads locked for less round here

I don't care till mine gets locked... oh wait, mine did get locked, and that picture of stick figure rec getting killed by that gren was GOLD GOLD I TELL YOU OMG YOU GOD DAMN NAZI Moderators!!!!!

p.s can I be a mod :D

this pisute u speak of sounds appealing, where do i get it?

:P

cmon guys, its all in good fun, its not meant to be taken seriously.

EDIT: that goes on record as my worst spelling ever, i meant picture

lol, you went back to edit on your terrible spelling but didnt fix it? :lol:

Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
A: The Wheelchair

One of my all time favs.

What did the spastic man say to his dog?

Down Syndrome

y edit it, im proud of that crappy spelling, love that one milenko, need to remember it :D

just thought i might add this,

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Q:What's black and sits at the top of the stairs after a housefire?
A:A paraplegic in a wheelchair

Q:How do you get a baby off the clothesline?
A:With a shovel

Q:What's better than winning gold at the paralympics?
A:Not being disabled at all

and my favourite of all time

Q:How did Jenny fall off her bike?
A:Somebody threw a fridge at her

you asked for sick jokes - so don't flame me.

ah, what the hell.....

Q What's worse than a pitbull with AIDS
A The guy who gave it to it...

and another unprintable ones, and i mean unprintable - it's too gross, hell i won't even give a breif description.....

and i love baby jokes - added a few more from your list :wink:

What's small, pink and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?

A baby with a vegetable peeler!

yeah i've been to fugly lately too...

im gonna call my next dog stain...

"come stain" heheh

ahh i got some good wife jokes..

Why do women wear white at weddings?
To match the kitchen appliances.

Why do women have small feet?
So they are closer to the kitchen sink.

What do you do when the washing machine breaks down?
Slap the stupid bitch

How many times do you need to tell a woman with two black eyes?
None you've already told her twice.

They are old but for some reason i just remember them..

I chuckled a bit at the baby jokes how they led on to one another.. :P
People need to have a sense of humour.. pfft

i found sum nasty racist jokes last night, but even i dont think they are apropriate cause sum people get really upity about them. im not racist, but racist jokes are funny and they just play on sterotypes, so i dont get y people hate em.

confusus says: man who go to sleep with hard problem wake up with solution in hand

Confucious Say:

Man who play under car with tool, not always mechanic!

Lady who sit on Jocky's lap, get hot tip.

Lady who sit on Judges Lap, get honourable discharge :)

Man with penis in jar of Peanut Butter is fucking nuts

What did God say when he made the first aboriginal
"fuck i burnt him"

What happend to the dog pissing in the Gutter
"he fell off the roof"

2 poofters are walking down the street and they see a dog licking his balls
the 1st poof says: "I wish i could do that"
the 2nd poof says " I'd pat him first"

Well not sick jokes and ripped straight from the GA forums :twisted:
http://games.bigpond.com/pc/messageboards/536/index.php?action=show&id=1796154

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches a 'blonde lady' driver.

"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle, in terror she grabs for the horses mane, but she cannot seem to get a firm grip, she tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. Finally, giving up her frail grip she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately her foot has become stuck in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness the store manager sees her and switches the horse off.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

"Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go. "

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Joe, you're a vet."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells
him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse
and I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he
wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth", the midget replies.
So the
owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?"
So the
owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the
horse's eyes.
"So, what about the eerth?" Now the owner is getting pissed,but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
"OK,finally, can I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head,the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope and the Queen were standing on a balcony in front of thousands
of people. The Queen turns to the Pope and says "I bet you I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their Union Jacks and cheering, basically going balistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I
never thought she'd be able to do it. I gotta outdo her..."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,

"I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd
be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first,
giving the rooster a pep talk.

I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a
good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a
chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the
farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once
again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Howard is in a meeting with the queen and asks her if she would consider making Australia a kingdom.

The queen replied, no you need a king to be a kingdom and you're certainly not a king.

John Howard then asks if she could make Australia a principality

The queen replies no, that you'd need a prince and you're not prince material.
You know, says the queen, I think Australia is best suited to being a country.

Confusious.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.

THE AUSTRALIAN

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks in a bar and Jill, (the Australian barmaid) takes
his order 1 pint of fosters and notices his Australian accent. Over the
course of the night they get to know each other quite a bit. At the end
of the night he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have
sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 for the dirty deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is
short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again orders another fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will
sleep with him again for $ 200. She figures in for a penny in for a
pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the
bar. But this night he just orders his fosters and goes and sits in the
corner.

Jill ( a little disappointed ) thinks that maybe she should
him more attention, and maybe she can skank some cash out of him so she
goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he
tells her Melbourne.

" So am I..." she says. "...What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what
street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable..." she says,
"...what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are
not going to believe this..." she says, "...I'm from number 22 and my
parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says "...your father gave me ",000 to give to you!"

He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

:lol: :lol: :lol: That one is good!!!!

nice, i like

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

20 Reasons why Guitars Are Better Than Women
1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.

where was noah when the lights went out?
in the dark
man im funny.

to the people who think this post should be locked, j00 have no sense of teh humour, :D

time for the totally sick ones
Q:whats the worst part about having sex with a 2 year old
A:putting the nappy back on :twisted:

Q: what does a leb get after having sex
A: about 55 years

Q: what did one fat person say to another fat person
a: who cares

(*going to get in alot of trouble, ill say sorry now, remember there just jokes*)

thats my input to this post

llama wins for the sickest, just wondering? are racest jokes banned?

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don't have any money... but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!" He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!" She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

what da!!!~~ he he :lol:

racist jokes arnt banned, hell i laugh at em, they are funny, no denying it, im not racist though. but, alot of people due take offence to em, thats the only reason i havent posted any yet.

Q: What did the first lesbian vampire say too the second lesbian vampire?
A: Same time next month

a teenage boy comes home one night and joyously tells his folks he has sex for the first time, embarrassed his mum tells his father he can talk to him, his father says "way to go son, you know i am going to buy you that pushbike you always wanted but it will have to wait until next pay day, okay? the son replies "thats okay dad i couldnt ride it anyway, my arse is too sore!!!!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
That's gotta be downer on the parents :lol: :lol: :lol:

Why couldnt the cat walk across the room?
Because its tounge was staped to the floor

Why couldnt the baby walk across the room?
coz it was stapled to the cat

whats 2 foot tall and cant turn around in hallways?
a baby with a javaline through its head

:D babys are funny

more baby jokes

wots worse than unloading a truck full of babies with a shovel?

unloading with a pitchfork!

wots worse than ten babies in a bucket?

one baby in ten buckets!

whats the difference between a garage full of dead babys and a garage with a ferrari

i dont own a ferrari :twisted:

spam is good :D

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not
feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey"
said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had
prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc"
replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that
testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly,Wiremu refused the
treatment.
Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening
game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from
someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv
prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked
Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my
test tickets off me!"

o, love that one

not funny just sick.... get a sense of humor

i got no shame with racism or offense

q: whats the difference between a coons pussy and a cricket ball?
a: you can actually eat a cricket ball if you try hard enough

guess now i wait for the bleeding hearts to whinge

mwuahahha

:D

lol ewwwww
that is the most horriable joke i have seen lol

man i thaught my baby sex one was bad :D but its still funny

how many women does it take to change a light bulb
non... they just sit in the dark and bitch

Quote from leppy:
i got no shame with racism or offense

q: whats the difference between a coons pussy and a cricket ball?
a: you can actually eat a cricket ball if you try hard enough

guess now i wait for the bleeding hearts to whinge

mwuahahha

:D

That is DISGUSTING :shock: :shock: :shock:

k, while we're on the racist jokes heres one:

Q: what do u call 3 african americans and three asians sitting on a front lawn?
A: a sprinkler, nigga nigga nigga, ching ching ching

I like black people . . .
. . I used to have some black friends 'till my dad sold them!

What does FUBU stand for?
Farmers Used to Buy Us

What's long, dark and stinks?
The unemployment line

Failed Afghan recruitment slogans:
Be Allah you can be!
Martyrs have more fun!
Free camoflage turbans! Sign up today!
Uncle oSAMa wants you!

ahahhaha milenko wins :)

Wortel: Shutup! Go back to your shitty sgheadphones forum :P

Pedophiles are like the tortoise.
They want to get there before the hare does.

Hahaha... ah those were some funny jokes... especially the last one...

Bloke runs into a bar and says to the bar tender "Give me 9 shots of tequila" which the barman does and as he is lining them up he says "So what's the occasion mate" the bloke says "My first ever blow job" the bar man says "Shit thats great mate here have another one on the house" the guy says "No thanks mate, If 9 wont get rid of the taste then 10 won't"

here's a man who can't take a joke.
he wails and battles and bawls.
here's a man who lost his control.
and i can see, we all can see, that he'll never get that joke.

crowds of many makes a man of steel,
but alone he battles his rust.
i can't tell if he's the only one.
and i can see, we all can see, how he'll never get that joke.

i apologise if any one finds these offensive, there just jokes

what do you call an aborigional in a ferari.
a theif

what do you call an abo in 2 ferari's
a bloody good theif

what do you call an abo with 10 ferrari's in his front lawn
organised crime

Sorry if anyone finds this offensive....

Knight Of Knee

Quote from Ph3n0m3n0n:
Sorry if anyone finds this offensive....

Knight Of Knee

OMFG how can you post that filthy shit.........I am disgusted Phenomenon :twisted:

Quote from Ph3n0m3n0n:
Sorry if anyone finds this offensive....

Knight Of Knee

hey, cmon, we dont want to get this locked now do we

ROFl awww u guys
i am flattered :oops:

doesn't this class as spam now? come on people stick to the subject, horrible jokes..... Korny

you love it when I talk dirty Monkey ;)

There is a child care centre called pedophilia child care & the slogan is
" We don't look after your children we LOVE to look after them"

Little Johnny is sitting in class and he puts his hand up and says Miss I need to take a piss. The teacher says, "Now Johnny, that's not a nice way to say it", "The correct word is Urinate, use urinate in a sentence and u can go to the toilet".

Johnny thinks for a moment then says"Ur an 8 but if u had bigger tits ud be a 10"

***********************************

Little johnny comes home from school looking frustrated and annoyed. His dad asks him what the problem is and Johnny says he failed Maths. His dad asked y cause Johnny is good at Maths. Johnny said the teacher asked him what 2 * 3 is and that he replied 6. The father said, but thats right. Then, johnny continued, she asked what 3 * 2 is. What's the fucking difference??? the father asks. Little Johnny replies, That's what I said.

***********************************

The teacher asks her class to use the word beautiful twice in one sentence and said that anyone who can gets to go home early.

Little Susan puts her hand up and says "My mum cooked a beautiful roast and it turned out beautifully".

"Very good", said the teacher.

Sammy put his hand up and said "My dad bought my mum some beautiful flowers and she said she thought they were beautiful"

"That's also very good", said the teacher.

Little Johnny then puts his hand up and says, "Last night at the dinner table my sister told my dad she was pregnant and he said beautiful, just fucken beautiful"

three vampires walk into a bar. the first one orders blood on the rocks. the second orders double blood, no ice. the third just asks for a cup of hot water.
"arnt you gonna have blood like you mates?"
the vampire then pulls out a tampon and says
"no thanks, im making tea"

Lol :lol:

from http://members.tripod.com/~cheshrkat/humour/humour.html

Understanding Technicians

Stuffed - A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.

Fucked - Terminally stuffed.

Fuck me dead - A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.

Fuck it all - An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like.

Fucking bloody fuck - An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench.

Holy bloody shit - The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.

Shit, fuck, shit - The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machines operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.

Shit, shit, shit - Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit... - Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.

How the fuck... - Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently.

Bloody fuck - Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

Holy fucking shit - This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.

Bugger bloody fuck - You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close it.

NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.

Fucking damn shit - I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

Fucking bloody damn - A general phrase indicating minor irritation.

Holy bloody fuck - My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor and I can't reach the power switch.

Bugger, fuck, damn - An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the "800 parts content of the job.

I don't talk to dorks like you - An expression that initiates many long and meaningful meetings between your management and the customer, where your manager desperately tries to persuade the customer that something you passionately believe in has never entered your head.

If you're such a clever dick, why don't you fix the bloody thing - A phrase which precedes an unusually long period before the next salary increase. Can be effective at getting you on a Customer Relations course.

Fuck off syphillis face - A phrase used with customers upon being asked how much bloody longer you intend to be.

If you don't like the way I'm fucking fixing it... - I was taught that a screwdriver also doubles as a cold chisel, a putty knife, a tyre lever, a door jam, a paint stirrer, a big nail, an emergency fuse link, something to lean under the tyre of your managers car, or a tool to wake snoozing apprentices (when sharpened).

Why don't you fucking buy another one - If you persist in using something built during the Crimean War, of course it will sometimes break down.

LMFAO :lol: :lol: :lol:

THE OFFICIAL SHIT LIST OR HOW DO YOU RATE YOUR TURDS.

1. GHOST SHIT.
You know you've shitted. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.

2. TEFLON-COATED SHIT.
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.

3. GOOEY-SHIT.
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

4. SECOND THOUGHT SHIT.
You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.

5. POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT.
The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

6. WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT.
You shit so much, you lose several kilos.

7. RIGHT NOW SHIT.
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has it's head out before you can get your pants down.

8. KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT.
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.

9. CORK SHIT (also Floater).
Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.

10. WET CHEEKS SHIT.
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.

11. WISH SHIT.
You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.

12. CEMENT BLOCK SHIT.
You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.

13. SNAKE SHIT.
This shit is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb, and at least a metre long.

14. BEER AND PIZZA SHIT.
This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD....usually this one happens at someone else's house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.

15. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT (or Screamer).
You know will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.

from the same palce as above, this really shows my sense of humor, i was crying while reading both of these due to laughing so hard

I agree there, I was crying from laughter as well and the dude sitting next to me was giving me funny looks cause my case is in the way of the screen so he doesn't know what I'm laughing at :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

the last 2 posts have been the funniest so far and the funniest ive heard in a while dudes really nice work

Q) what do you call a greek electrician
A) con fused

http://www.nakeddwarf.com.au/newforum/viewtopic.php?p=49095#49095