Well now
http://www.swissknifeshop.co.uk/swisschamp_xxlt.html
Thats a big ass Swiss army knife :P
Got Swiss?
43 public posts in this discussion.
Post 2
Dammit, you're still alive. I was going to flog your stuff.
Post 3
Aud$520
Post 4
You'd only but that for the "I have a swiss pocket knife which does a ****load more than yours" factor. That's just overkill.
Post 5
The question is, why? You would never need all of those things at the same time at the same place... :|
Post 6
BUT....if you were McGyver however.....
Post 7
you totally wouldn't need it. a paperclip and bubblegum would accomplish twice as much.
Post 8
ateConsider this scenario.
You wake up in a dark room, can't see anything. You pull out your trusty Swiss Army Prototype with red translucent handles and light the Piezo operated, refillable gas lighter and see that you are in a small room with no windows, and no apparent door. A shelf in the corner holds some small items.
When you try to move your legs you find that you are tied to the foot of the bed. Using the Metal Saw & File you cut through the shackles and rise to your feet.
Walking over to the closest wall you are able to spot a small plate screwed to the wall. Several various screws hold this piece of metal in place.. you use the Phillips Screwdriver,Large Screwdriver, Small Screwdriver also the Fine Screwdriver to remove the plate.
Removing the plate allows a shaft of light shine through the branches covering the small hole. Using the Pruning blade you are able to remove some of the braches and get a clear view of outside.
You seem to be on top of a mountainous area.. no less than 1000m above sea level, luckily your trusty Swiss Army Knife functions up to 1500m above sea level.
Turning around, the shaft of light has revealed a small crack in the floor of the hut. Using your Chisel and Wood Saw you are able to hack and cut into the plank.
Below the plank is a small hole, with a package wrapped in brown paper and string, the kind you see in movies.. using your Scissors you remove the string, and with your Magnifying Glass you can see the name on the package.. Armin.
You think "who is this 'Armin'? Is this me?" as you are opening the package. Enclosed is a small sealed box. Upon closer inspection you pull out your Case & Wrench and open the box.
Inside the box is a piece of paper, a watch, a battery and four small screws. You use the Watch opener to open the back of the watch.. placing the battery inside starts the watch up and you can now close it. Using the Tweezers you position the screws and use the Mini Screwdriver to fix them in place.
You take this time in the shaft of light to look at the Gas level viewing window to see how much longer you can use the lighter for. Realising you have enough, you move over to the shelf in the corner of the room to investigate further.
Using the Corkscrew you open the wine bottle to find nothing inside. You take a bottle and using the Bottle Opener you open her up. The sweet smell of home brew greets you, but you decide not to cloud your mind with alcohol right now. You take a can from the shelf and using the Can Opener you open it. The stench of rotten meat greets you.. you idiot.. this is spam.
Taking the bottle and the piece of paper you found under the floorboards, you use your trusy Ballpen to write a note and seal it in the bottle.. not before realising you have nowhere to throw the bottle as the tree outside is to dense to allow you to throw it any considerable distance.
You must come up with a new plan. Looking through the items on the shelf you find a plasticine like substance and what you believe is a detanator, two paperclips and some chewing gum.
Using the Straight Pin to push a hole into the 'plasticine' and the Pliers & Wire Cutters/Crimpers to cut some the paperclip you found you then take the Electricians blade and Wire Stripper to complete the makeshift 'bomb'
You stick the device to the wall with the chewing gum and move to the far end of the room.. .. you try to detonate.. and ... .nothing.. it must just be plasticine, you did watch too much macgyver when you were younger...
Time for a new plan.
Exploring the last wall you come across another covering and use the Case & Wrench (number 2) to expose a small lock. Using the Toothpick and Wire bender you attempt to pick the lock to no avail.
Using the Large Blade and then the Large Blade (wavy edge) you try your hardest to cut around the lock or make any opening at all.. but it's too difficult.
Whilst switching between the two large blades, you notice a small key on the Keyring, it wasn't there before you found yourself locked in this room. You Try it in the lock and sure enough, it fits.
Opening the small door reveals an opening, in which is sitting a fresh fish with a hook and several feet of fishing line in it's mouth.. ? wtfomgbbq.
using the Fish Scaler, Hook Disgorger & Ruler you remove the hook, clean the fish and check it for legal length.. why, you don't know.. maybe you were a fisherman.
Using the Hook you pull out one of the fish bones that looks a little different and with the Small Blade you cut it down the middle. Inside is a sewing needle.
Using your newfound sewing needle you thread the fishing line in using your Sewing Eye.
Sewing your shirt into a sort of capsule slingshot, you put the bottle inside and using the plank of wood you removed from the floor and extend if out the small opening through the trees..
throwing the bottle with a mighty swing you hear it smash in the distance.. maybe that wasnt such a good idea.
You decide all there is left to do is sit down and have a think. With the Nail File & Nail Cleaner you meticulously file and clean your nails.
An idea suddenly springs to mind, and you return to the opening where you found the fish. Using the Reamer & Punch (2 variations) you manage to punch a hole in the roof of the opening.
As you do, a small note drops through.
You read the note.
----------------
Dear Armin,
Thank you for completing the Swiss Army Knife product valuation.
Please fill out the following questionnaire about this product.
Regards,
Victorinox.
----------------
you have decided to write one comment.
Why is there a pharmecutical spatula.
As you place the note back in the opening in the wall. You hear machinery as the entire wall folds down to reveal your surroundings.
You are told you are at Victorinox's testing hut, high in the swiss alps and you will be taken back to your family shortly..
As you are about to board the helicopoter a short man with a beard comes up to you and tells you.. you were the first person to fillet the fish, and we thank you for that.
Here is the First Victorinox Swiss Champ XXLT, there will be many more. Thanks to you.
This Story was completely written by Burk.. took me an hour.
Post 9
And a piece of string ...always the string :)
Post 10
Hahaha, awesome write up burk :D
That was some funny shit.
Post 11
way too much time on your hands burk ..... :D
Post 12
yeah way too much time
Post 13
lol yea true but good read :D
Post 14
emailled to [email]info@sheldonandhammond.com.au[/email]
To Whom it may concern,
Upon hearing of your new product, the Swisschamp XXLT, i thought it would be a challenge to try and figure out a scenario where all the tools would be needed.. considering the staggering amount of tools on it.
I have attached my story below in the hope it will bring you amusement.
My only question.. why is there a pharmecutical spatula. :)
Thanks,
Daniel.
Post 15
Lets see if we can win GU some free knives :p
Post 16
OMG where do you work burk?
Post 17
or where don't i work :)
Post 18
****in EXCELLENT! lol.. it would be really cool if u got one of those knives.... if u do .. i expect it to be on you at all times!
Post 19
Hahaha, Burk for the win!
Post 20
Go Burk creative genus to the end.
Post 21
you idiot burk :P and you recon im a tool. you just gave however many reasons as that swiss army knife to say you are lol.
nice writeup tho. you really do need to do some work :P
Post 22
Quote from Seqo:
The question is, why? You would never need all of those things at the same time at the same place... :|
oh, by the way Seqo, that story was entirely for your benefit.
Post 23
Thats funny stuff Burk :D
Seriously tho..you need a job with more demands on your time!
Post 24
nah, it's cool.. i got all my work done around writing my story.
Post 25
Quote from them swiss army people:
Dear Daniel,
Bravo!
Clive Cussler would be proud. I believe you may just have discovered a new career path. I will be sure to forward your story on to Switzerland, where they will no doubt use it for future product development training.
Of course there is your question regarding the pharmaceutical spatula. Perhaps it could be used to measure out the correct dosage of medicine required to combat the obvious delusional belief that you are shackled inside a cabin in Switzerland with a bottle of wine, a stick of chewing gum, a rancid tin of spam and most importantly - a fish.
In all honesty Daniel, we love the story. I can only imagine how long it took you to create. I am all for “creative licence” in this sometimes tedious existence of ours, so congratulations and don’t let the professor trick you again. It was actually a 3-D hologram you were talking to from space quadrant 38 – looking for the Voridium Snorkel Scooter you stole from him in your previous form.
Best Regards,
Scott Date
Brand Manager – Victorinox
P.S – Please send me your mailing address as I would like to send you your next assignment. – Now get back to work.
you guys cannot understand how much i am pissing myself laughing right now!
Post 26
Hahahah, Burk for teh win!
Haha, awesome shit dude, i hope you get sent a knife! :D :D
Post 27
Hahahahahaha.
1. The story was absolutely classic.
2. I inspire genius :P
3. That Scott Date guy is a legend ;)
Hahahahahaha.
Post 28
Whatever they send me (if it's not the XXLT beauty) i will write a story on.. and wonder why it doesn't have a pharmecutical spatula.
Post 29
lol. nice work burk.
thats quite cool.
Post 30
Rofl, that made my day
Post 31
Bravo. Keep us posted if he sends you anything else.
Post 32
made my day as well.
Post 33
Whoa! Excellent story :)
Quote from "Burk":
You stick the devide to the wall with the chewing gum and move to the far end of the room..
You spelt device wrong :p Too bad the knife doesn't have spell check
Post 34
thanks, i keep going back and fixing some small errors.. hehe.. will do that now.
Post 35
since you're taking corrections; you also spelt detonate incorrectly.
Post 36
yeah yeah yeah. fixed. :)
Post 37
Be careful what you say around paladin. That ****er will take anything bad you say and change the thread topic to incriminate you.
...bastard.
:P
Post 38
anti climax of the century..
got me a hat, and a book on how to use a swiss army knife.. that i don't have!
still, free crap RULES!
Post 39
Awww :(
Still, you got a free Hat :D
Post 40
thats ripped. wasnt even worth the story .. hahahaha
Post 41
it's a groovy book.
[Image: http://store1.yimg.com/I/swissarmyexpress_1813_3340173]
[font=Arial]Swiss Army Knives: A Collector's Companion, by Derek Jackson, is a colorful, wonderfully illustrated history of Victorinox and the Original Swiss Army Knife. From multi-tools to the current CyberTool, the legend of Victorinox Swiss Knives makes fascinating and informative reading. Definitely a must-have for all collectors and enthusiasts. Book is 5 1/4" W x 8 5/8" H x 3/4" D. 192 pgs.[/font]
Post 42
You still have to pick up your Internode merchandise as well fan boi :)
Post 43
ahh yes. we will organise that.